3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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