someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
