I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
