I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
