I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
