Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
