I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
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There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
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You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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