R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
there's paper in my vomit.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
