I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
