Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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