LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
