so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
