We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
