Barsexuality is the new black.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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