I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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