haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
