He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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