me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
