I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
