All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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