I looked at my own cervix.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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