Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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