What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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