I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
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Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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