forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
