Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Randomize
