I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
