So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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