for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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