I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
