Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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