Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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