Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
