I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
