i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
