if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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