everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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