loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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