ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I am naked and annoyed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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