i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
