just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she told me i tasted like america
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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