I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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