new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
