Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
