Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
