she woke up with a sticky ear
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
