I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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