i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
