Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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