That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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