I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
