checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
