She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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