Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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