PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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