where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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