I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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