I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
