There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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