also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Barsexuality is the new black.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
