he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
