you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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