I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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