I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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